Here’s to New Beginnings

This has to be different.

For my kids, for myself, for our future.

You see, twenty-three days ago our world changed forever.

I’ll never forget it. I woke up and my husband was in the living room. I went out and joined him on the couch, laying next to him but it got too crowded so I moved to where our heads were touching, him on one end, me on the other.

Then we got up and he did payroll. This takes him about two hours so I managed to get a pitch written for my food writing class and still have time to play with his hair, which was longer than mine, and give him a big hug before he went to get dressed for work. He came back, hugged and kissed me, then left for work… or so I thought.

About two and a half hours later I got a call from the Hill County Sheriff’s office that he had gone to the house we were renovating and switched out the gun he carries in the work vehicle then used the new one to end his life.

His decision to make a permanent solution to a temporary problem is now guiding every decision I make from here on out.

Where do we go from here?

That’s exactly why I’m here. I started a website and was set on starting a farm before his death, now the idea just repulses me. I can’t see it the way I could before.

I do recognize that who I am right now in this moment of all my feelings, is different than who I’ll be six months out, a year out, five years out, etc. Life has to move on. Kale and Campfires is here to do it with me, with us.

So this is a blog about my journey about being a suicide-surviving spouse and just about life in general. There will be a ton of food posts I’m sure- this is my passion but there will also be posts about finishing our house, the joys and trials of life without my BLT, travel posts, and more.

This is a place where we will learn and grow together.

One thing Brandon wanted to do before he passed was start a YouTube video. He spent hours pouring over his latest project, even though it was 99% B-roll footage and he recognized that. He left us with a large amount of videography equipment, including a few drones. Tomorrow I plan to fly one for the first time! I’m going to continue with that dream, making sure to add in what he was working on- I just need to figure out how to turn it into primary footage. Or create some, either way.

I currently don’t have a job so I’m going to look for something remote and, after the house is finished, focus my extra time on making Kale and Campfires successful. Losing a job I loved and a husband I still love over three months was never in my plans but I can do something with this experience by recognizing it for what it is an unwanted fresh start.

So, here’s to new beginnings!